Why Your Feedback Isn’t Landing, and How to Fix It

Perry Holley:
Welcome to the Maxwell Leadership Executive Podcast, where our goal is to help you increase your reputation as a leader, increase your ability to influence others, and increase your ability to fully engage your team to deliver remarkable results. Hi, I’m Perry Holley, a Maxwell Leadership facilitator and coach.

Chris Goede:
And I’m Chris Goede, Executive Vice President with Maxwell Leadership. Welcome, and thank you for joining. Today, we’re gonna talk about a topic that has really driven us to put a new offering together, to bring to the market a content piece for teams. And we always talk about, where does this fit in the 5 Levels of Leadership? What competency does this attack? And for us, this really is 2, 3, and 4 levels.

Perry Holley:
Mm-hmm.

Chris Goede:
2, 3, and 4 for multiple reasons. So we’re gonna dive in, but what I want you to know is after we get done today, if you’re interested in learning more about that content piece around feedback, I wanna encourage you to go to MaxwellLeadership.com/ExecutivePodcast, and there you can fill out the form and we’ll follow back up with you. Well, today’s topic is why your feedback isn’t landing. And how to fix it. Is this something I’ve talked to you about before?

Perry Holley:
Sit back.

Chris Goede:
He said, sit back. Now here’s what’s interesting, and we’ve all had this happen, right? 2 people can receive the exact same feedback, but hang on, leaders, you’re gonna get 2 completely different conversations out of that, where one leans in, And is attacking it, wants to improve. The other just completely shuts down. And so the difference isn’t their personalities, it’s really the emotion that stirs up in them that that feedback triggered something for them. So today we’re going to unpack the research on emotion-driven learning and then give you listeners a practical way to make sure that that feedback is landing as you intended it, which I’m super excited about, ’cause I think Perry did this for me.

Perry Holley:
Yeah, that’s good. It’s gonna help us both, I believe.

Chris Goede:
Yeah.

Perry Holley:
Well, and also thanks to our friend Michael Bryant who brought this—

Chris Goede:
Oh yes.

Perry Holley:
To this—

Chris Goede:
Longtime executive facilitator and coach for us.

Perry Holley:
Yep, and he brought this to my attention and I really appreciate it. It’s based on a Harvard Business Review article from July 2026. The title of that article is Great Leaders Know Which Emotions Their Feedback Will Trigger, and it’s by Ben Zhao, Fernando Oliveira, and Amy Edmondson. I think you’d enjoy it if you find a copy of that. But in the article, the authors, they got some Great insights, but he tells a little bit of a story of a newly promoted VP who gives the same feedback to 2 different people, the exact same feedback about a missed deadline. And he says one employee leans in, asks good questions, and comes back days later with stronger work. The other pulls back, goes quiet in meetings, avoids leading similar projects, and gets defensive when they’re challenged. Anything, it was the same feedback.

Chris Goede:
Yeah.

Perry Holley:
But he said most leaders would chalk this up to personality. Some people are just more coachable than others. The article suggests something different though, and it suggests that more actionable is going on here, is that not the feedback itself that determines the outcome, it’s the emotion the feedback triggers. So I guess I’ll start with just asking you, if a leader delivers feedback, that is clear and specific, why doesn’t it automatically lead to learning? Is it just more than personalities?

Chris Goede:
Yeah, I want to back up for just a minute on this, and I’m going to throw a question back to you. So where does— because this is something that we talk a lot about with teams and organizations. So where does then, when we talk about earning the right to give feedback, so where does that play into that? Would you say after reading the article, you’d say, Hey, you may have earned the right, which is what we talk about, increasing your influence first to be able to earn the right. And we still need to be aware of the emotions that could come out of that.

Perry Holley:
Yes.

Chris Goede:
I would agree.

Perry Holley:
Yes. Well, definitely. And so to earn the right, we get this from our friend Jeff Hancher. And as we built this course with Jeff’s help, earning the right is setting extremely clear expectations of what You expect of people. So if I work for you and you’ve been very clear on my expectations, that’s step 1. Step 2 is we have a good relationship, level 2 on the 5 levels. So I know you care about me, I know you’re trying to help me, I know I can trust you, and you’ve given me very clear expectations. And then you come to me and tell me, I have some feedback to give you.

Chris Goede:
Got it.

Perry Holley:
I am gonna be more receptive of that because I know you care about me, you’re trying to help me, and I can trust you. And I know what you expected and I wanna meet your expectations. However, just when I just said that to you, you know, you call me in, you say, I need to talk to you about something. I need to give some feedback. I immediately felt it a little bit. I go, oh my gosh, what? So emotion starts to rise even though you’ve done, you’ve earned the right to do that.

Chris Goede:
Yeah. And that’s what I was thinking about as I was, because we talk so much about the influence and we talk about earning the right to lead people and leading people the way they need to be led. And what I want you to know is you could do all of that and these emotions are still going to rise up.

Perry Holley:
Did I do something wrong?

Chris Goede:
Right.

Perry Holley:
Did I?

Chris Goede:
Because what do we do? We start to self-sabotage, self-talk. As soon as your leader goes, hey, let me give you some, can I give you some feedback? Or whatever that sounds like. The other thing is you mentioned from our Jeff Hancher training about being clear up front and listen, What I say coming outta my mouth sometimes is not exactly what I thought it was or what I thought it sounded like. We’ve been there. And it was received completely different. And so those are, so being clear and then being received are 2 totally different things. And so 2 people could hear the same word and think 2 different things. And so there’s a lot to that clarity, but I think you’re right.

Chris Goede:
I think in the moment, even if you’ve earned the right, We begin to say, what did I do wrong? And we go down this negative side, which stirs up that emotion in all of us. And I think that that is the difference of what we see is maybe some emotional intelligence in the individual at a different level, or maybe just their emotions run high one way or another. Because I think you can, have an emotional exchange during feedback, and that team member still knows that you love and you care for ’em and you are for them, but it’s going to happen.

Perry Holley:
Right.

Chris Goede:
So I love that you’re bringing this up. Yeah. So let’s talk about this. Let’s give a personal example. So is there a time that you can think about as we unpack this in your career when feedback was given with really good intentions, But it just landed a little bit different. It landed where it was kind of personal.

Perry Holley:
Well, yes, probably more than once, but I know a specific time working for a CEO, and this was a leader, I would say, Jeff, that makes us do an exercise on your Mount Rushmore, who would be leaders that you actually remember and then stand out to you. This is one of those leaders that’s on my Mount Rushmore. But he was CEO of the company, so he was a very powerful guy. And he just called me aside one day and goes, on your financial management of your division, I don’t think you understand what you’re doing. Do you? He challenged my competency. And I probably think I thought, I’ve disappointed him. I’ve let him down. I’m going to get fired.

Perry Holley:
Oh my gosh, what’s going on? And I started having this emotional— and I don’t know if he saw that or whatever. He kind of paused. He goes—

Chris Goede:
He’s a good guy.

Perry Holley:
Just tell me, do you get how P&L works? I said, oh yeah, I get it. He goes, you don’t get it. I go, no, I don’t get it. And I thought, he goes, you’re really good at what you do, but I need you to raise your— And so then he took the next step. He goes, let me tell you what I’m gonna do to help you. And so then I realized this, I can take the emotion out of it, but it was triggering. And I know this guy and I know that he cares about me and I know that, but yet my first response was, this is awful, this is terrible, I’m getting fired, this is not landing well. And to his credit, he changed his tone.

Perry Holley:
Yeah.

Chris Goede:
This can happen, okay, in even just—

Perry Holley:
I’m pretty good at P&Ls now though.

Chris Goede:
Yeah, of course you are. Even if it is just an email, which we’re not saying that’s the way to give feedback. However, just the other day I was in a meeting, very large, I haven’t told you this story yet, you’re gonna love this. And this leader that I’m working with and we’re helping in different areas, he leads the largest vertical in this airline. And he, we were talking about something and he gets an email from the CEO and the email says this, we need to fix that. And then he goes, exclamation point. This individual was like, exclamation point? And he began to like, oh my gosh, like, what does that exclamation point mean? And so we talked literally for about 20 minutes about what that did to him internally. And yet he knows that that leader is for him and brought him there.

Chris Goede:
And so, man, there’s so many ways that this fleshes and happens, and we’re human beings. And so it is going to happen.

Chris Goede:
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Chris Goede:
That’s 5LevelsOfLeadership.com.

Chris Goede:
So let me ask you this. Okay, so fear, Shame, disappointment, maybe letting some other people down. What are the emotions then around feedback that actually help people grow? What have you seen to where you go, hey, those emotions when you’re getting feedback are positive to the growth journey?

Perry Holley:
And then what I’ve seen is actually in the article, they talk about some great things in there about task-focused emotions that can keep attention anchored on the work instead of on the person. So guilt, regret, frustration were some that they listed. Guilt that I made a specific mistake that affected someone, it kind of motivates accountability to do that. They talk about regret. I could have made a better choice, naturally prompts reflection and adjustment if I’m regretting something. And frustration, when paired with clear next steps, then they talk in the article, it could fuel focused effort instead of just venting. I thought that the common thread there, that these emotions all keep attention on what can actually be changed instead of making it on the contrast of that where it kind of other-directed emotions. And they talk about anger showing up and you didn’t clarify the deadline and the pushback and resentment and some things like that.

Chris Goede:
Sure.

Perry Holley:
Does that make sense when you say the task about guilt, regret, and frustration, that it’s okay to trigger those because they are action-focused, that you can do things about them, is what I was taking away from that?

Chris Goede:
Yeah, for me, the difference is it’s not personal.

Perry Holley:
Yeah.

Chris Goede:
Right? And so we talk a lot about that every follower is asking 3 questions of you. Do they care for me? Can I trust them? Can they help me? And so I would encourage you to go, hey, you know what, when, not every time, when the time’s right, say, hey Perry, do you think I care about you? Do you trust me? Can I help you? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, can I give you some feedback? Now, this is not personal, but I need to give you this feedback. And you kind of lead down, you know, some of these areas and maybe take the elephant out of the room for them about it being personal. That would be the extent of how I give feedback at times when I want to trigger a little bit of, man, I could have done that better, but I don’t want it to be personal. I don’t want it to be they feel like it’s about them.

Perry Holley:
Let’s be practical for a moment. How do you do that? So let’s say you’ve got to give me feedback about something and you want your words and the feedback to trigger guilt or regret. Go back to, you said guilt was I made a specific mistake and that’ll motivate accountability and I can repair it. Or regret, I could have made a better choice. Can you do that without triggering shame in the person and making them feel—

Chris Goede:
Yeah, I think you can. Now, there’s a difference though, right, in triggering shame and fear and discomfort. We’re not talking about eliminating discomfort in the moment of giving feedback, okay? Because that’s gonna happen, right? And so one of the things that I want you to think about is making that discomfort productive. When you do that, it’s actually a form of what we like to talk about, level 4 leadership. When that discomfort is productive in the right way, it becomes about developing people. So one of the ways I’ll do this, and we talk about the intent versus perception gap, hey, Perry, I know your intent was not to make this mistake. However, the perception is, That you did and it affected the team. Can we talk about that? So I try to share it from a perspective and not leading with, hey, this, I know this was your intent, because it more than likely was not their intent.

Chris Goede:
And so I would just encourage you guys to think about this, ’cause most people, they feel things before they think. about what they did. And so they’re gonna feel that emotion and then they’re gonna think about it. So help them get over that feeling by saying, hey, I know your intent was not to, but let’s talk about this.

Perry Holley:
How it landed.

Chris Goede:
How it landed.

Perry Holley:
Yeah, I like that. Let’s get practical for a moment before we wrap this up. And just ’cause the article had several techniques you can use to land feedback in a way that I think would maybe more like that you intended to land with people. The first one was to activating, Guilt and regret without triggering shame. Stay on the behavior and not the person. I think you just said that the plan may have missed the task, but it wasn’t you. It wasn’t what you intended. I like where you went there with that.

Perry Holley:
Yeah.

Chris Goede:
Second one is reduce defensiveness by addressing fairness head-on. So invite the other person’s perspective before assuming they’ll agree. with where you’re at and do that first.

Perry Holley:
Yes.

Chris Goede:
Yeah, I like that. Don’t mix those two up because if they feel heard on the front end, I promise you their emotions and how they receive it will be differently.

Perry Holley:
And you mentioned also about channeling any frustration you may be feeling about, this isn’t working, which is also fair, by the way.

Chris Goede:
It is fair for your leaders to have that.

Perry Holley:
You’re frustrated, but to channel that, to pair that with a concrete next step. This isn’t working, but let’s talk about some next steps to go there. To really get them there.

Chris Goede:
Next one is build hope and pride and then reinforce the progress. So one of the things I love that you’ve taught me, which is, hey, we have standards and expectations around here. I love that. I love it. Not rules and regulations.

Perry Holley:
I usually don’t come to work in the morning. That’s completely different. Yeah.

Chris Goede:
So the standards, man, they’re high here at Maxwell Leadership. And I believe in you. I believe you’re capable of meeting it. And so standards without belief in your people, no doubt, are going to drive that shame. But if you have belief in people without the standards, then, well, then we just have complacency all across the board because people are just like, oh, Chris believes in me, whatever we do. Chris believes in me.

Perry Holley:
Everything’s allowed.

Chris Goede:
And so to develop the people and get feedback the right way, they both have to be in there, both the standards and the belief in the people.

Perry Holley:
The authors also suggest paying attention to the emotional climate that you create as a manager that you create when you give feedback? Do people speak up after you give the feedback? Do they go quiet? You get a better read on the manager or the feedback itself. How are they responding to that? I think about this at home sometimes. I’ll say something and it’s like crickets. That wasn’t the response I was looking for.

Chris Goede:
I missed that one. Let me try this again. And then it gets worse if it’s me. Final one is use the better check-in question. Okay. Don’t, instead of asking, hey, was I clear? Right? Like when we start talking about that, maybe try to figure out like, where did their attention go? Like, were you not dialed into them? What emotion got ’em? When did that switch happen? So if we look at these, the 6 that you pulled outta the article, Yeah. which is the hardest, do you think, for leaders to actually practice consistently?

Perry Holley:
I’m just looking at the list. I think frustration can easily enter in if somebody has dropped the ball or if you need to give feedback. But I also, I think the words you used, number one, about activating guilt and regret without triggering shame, to keeping it actively about the behavior, not about the person.

Chris Goede:
That’s good.

Perry Holley:
I don’t know if that’s hard, but it’s in the midst of Emotion flying, that’s one that easily gets forgotten.

Chris Goede:
Yeah. For me, I think about this, the emotional climate. You said that when you read it and I was like, oh yeah, that’s true. Because I can sometimes be very stoic, I’m very logical, and I can miss the emotional, both at work and at home, what that climate is. And so I think a lot of leaders, because we get so busy, we just want to move on to the next, that we’re just dropping feedback and moving on, and we’re leaving bodies in the wake behind us, and we’re not even aware of what the emotional climate is that’s going on.

Perry Holley:
Well, I think the big takeaway for me listening and studying on this was about feedback is more than just information. It’s an emotional event for people. And even thinking about if you turned to me and said, I really need to give you some feedback on something, it just rises. Something comes up in you to go, oh no, I don’t want to disappoint you. I regret if anything I did anything. Just being aware of that to say it’s going to land that way. That’s good.

Chris Goede:
As I wrap up for us, let me give you 3 thoughts that after our conversation today stick out. Number one, the feedback conversation that is going to be uncomfortable, that will stir up some emotions, you need to understand it begins long before the feedback is actually given. Okay, leaders, let’s make sure we understand that. Secondly, Perry and I’ve talked a lot about psychological safety in the workforce. So this doesn’t mean that we’re free from accountability, that we’re free from having tough feedback. It just means that we’re doing it in a way that’s respectful, that’s not driving humiliation to the team. And then finally, I’m gonna go back to your standards and expectations, right? Like, hey, when you have these conversations, it’s like, here’s the standard. Here’s the gap that I see, and here’s why I believe that you can close it.

Chris Goede:
Now, these are our next steps. But those 4 small sentences will go a long way in reducing the emotions so that there’s more clarity in what they’re hearing from you in that conversation.

Perry Holley:
Good stuff. Well, thank you, Chris. And as a reminder, if you’d like to get the learner guide for this or learn about our offerings or other podcast family offerings, you can do all that at MaxwellLeadership.com/ExecutivePodcast. You can also leave us a comment or a question there. We love hearing from you. So grateful you’d spend this time with us today. That’s all from the Maxwell Leadership Executive Podcast.

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