In 2008, I became a mom for the first time. Like most new mothers, I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and still adjusting to my new life. I hadn’t budgeted enough time for maternity leave, so just weeks after giving birth, I had to return to work. Between hormonal changes, sleepless nights feeding my colicky baby, and the heartbreak of leaving her at daycare, I wasn’t ready. Not even close.
Then, only weeks into my return, my boss called me into that meeting, asking me to rank myself among the team. For someone who had always been a high achiever, this experience crushed me.
I was already carrying mom guilt. My daughter wasn’t adjusting well to daycare and cried for hours after I left. I felt torn between wanting to be home and wanting to keep my career. That performance review nearly broke me. For the first time, I seriously considered quitting.
Why did it hurt so much? Because negative feedback hits us on two levels:
Right Brain (emotions, belonging): It makes us feel unloved, rejected, disconnected. We crave acceptance, so criticism feels like a threat to our relationships.
Left Brain (logic, ability): It makes us feel incompetent or unworthy, striking at our need to feel capable and valuable.
That’s why criticism feels like a double punch: it shakes both our sense of belonging and our sense of worth.
But here’s the turning point: instead of giving up, I forced myself to dig deeper: was there any truth in the feedback?
The answer was yes. I realized I had been coasting. I thought that once I graduated and landed a job, the hardest work was behind me and I had fallen into a fixed mindset without even realizing it.
That performance review became my wake-up call. Within four years, I earned not just one, but two master’s degrees – a master’s in engineering and later an Executive MBA. On graduation day, my kids decorated my cap with Olaf from Frozen to give me extra height on stage. It remains one of my proudest moments: a symbol of resilience, growth, and refusing to let criticism define me.
Even Giants Stumbled
Some of the most iconic figures in history didn’t succeed because they were naturally confident and they became confident because they learned how to fail, grow, and keep going.
- Abraham Lincoln lost numerous elections, failed in business, and suffered personal tragedies before becoming one of the most respected presidents in U.S. history.
- Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor who said he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” His early ventures failed. Yet he didn’t give up and created one of the most imaginative worlds ever known.
- Stephen King’s first novel, Carrie, was rejected 30 times before finally getting published. He even threw the manuscript in the trash, but his wife rescued it and encouraged him to keep going. The book launched his legendary writing career.
- A record label famously rejected The Beatles, saying, “Guitar groups are on their way out.” They went on to become one of the most successful and influential bands of all time.
- Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, Jordan used the rejection as motivation. He later became one of the greatest basketball players in history, often crediting failure as a key to his success.
- Howard Schultz, the founder of Starbucks, was turned down by 242 banks when trying to get funding for his coffee shop concept. He persisted, and Starbucks is now a global brand.
What made these individuals extraordinary wasn’t the absence of negative feedback but their refusal to let it define them. They embodied a growth mindset, believing that effort, persistence, and learning from mistakes would lead to success.
That same mindset is available to you. Confidence doesn’t come from knowing you’ll always get it right, but from knowing you’ll keep going even when you don’t.
Three Steps to Turn Feedback into Growth Fuel
Here’s the framework I use – and now teach – to turn criticism into confidence:
STEP 1: PAUSE AND VENT SAFELY.
Don’t react immediately. Vent to a trusted person (your spouse, coach, or friend who will listen without judgment). Tell them upfront: I just need to vent. I’m not asking for advice. I just need your loving, supportive listening ears.
STEP 2: SORT THE FEEDBACK INTO 3 BUCKETS.
Totally unfair → drop it. Don’t carry what doesn’t belong to you.
Truth → accept it. Ask, What’s one small step I can take to grow from this?
Grey area (Perception) → decide. You can either:
- Shift perception: change how you show up to avoid misunderstanding, or
- Clarify directly: ask for a follow-up conversation.
STEP 3: REFRAME IT AS GROWTH FUEL.
Feedback is information, not a verdict. When you reflect instead of react, you stay in control. And even unfair criticism can build your confidence – if you choose to use it.
Ever felt yourself shrinking—holding back your ideas, your dreams, or your voice? Unshrink Yourself is your invitation to rise again.
Through 12 practical, powerful mini-shifts, Thanh Nguyen shows you how to build real confidence from the inside out. Each chapter offers stories, research, and small, doable actions to help you stop doubting yourself and start thriving in your life and leadership.
Don’t wait to “feel ready.” Take the first step today toward the confident, grounded, and authentic version of you that’s been waiting to emerge. Get your copy of Unshrink Yourself: 12 Mini-Shifts to Ditch Self-Doubt and Own Your Life — and start making the small shifts that lead to big growth.
About the Author
Thanh Nguyen is a bestselling author, leadership and confidence coach, and keynote speaker who helps people live positively and lead courageously. With over two decades of experience in engineering and executive leadership, and as one of the few women of color in her field, Thanh knows firsthand what it’s like to navigate self-doubt, overcome cultural and societal expectations, and find her voice in high-stakes spaces. Originally from Vietnam, Thanh immigrated to the United States as a teenager, not knowing the language and facing enormous challenges. She went on to earn dual graduate degrees in electrical engineering and business administration, hold two U.S. patents, and serve as a vice president of engineering before founding her own leadership and personal development company, The Encourage Team. A certified John Maxwell leadership coach and Professor in the Practice, Engineering Leadership, at Rice University, Thanh is passionate about empowering individuals and teams to stop shrinking, start showing up, and lead with authenticity and strength.
