Start with Yourself

Mark Cole:

Hey, welcome back to the Maxwell Leadership Podcast. This is truly the podcast that adds value to you, you as a leader, so that you will multiply value to others. My name is Mark Cole. I’m the CEO of Maxwell Leadership, and today we’re talking about starting with yourself. You see, you really can’t give what you do not have. That’s true in leadership. It’s true in relationships. That’s why when it comes to change and to growth, you have to start with yourself. Today, John Maxwell is going to share some simple and timeless truths. Truths that will help you understand we truly and should always start with ourselves. Then my co-host, Traci Morrow and I will discuss how we challenge ourselves to embrace this leadership principle.

Two things before we get started. First, if you’d like to watch this episode on YouTube, you can find that at maxwellpodcast.com/youtube. Second, if you would like to download the free PDF, it’s a worksheet that accompanies John’s lesson, we call this our bonus resource, just go to maxwellpodcast.com/yourself. Okay, that’s it. Grab a pen, grab a piece of paper. Here is John Maxwell.

John Maxwell:

Henry Ford said, “Before anything else, getting ready is the secret of success.” I remember doing a conference recently out West, and we were doing a Q&A, and somebody asked me about the value of initiating. The value of starting the, to kind of be a self-starter. And I defined starting or initiating, I said, “It’s the great separator.” And I think it really is. It separates the doers from the do nots. It really separates the haves from the have-nots. It separates the winners from the whiners. It separates successful people from unsuccessful people. Starting is essential, absolutely essential for you and I to be successful. It’s not the last step, but it is the first step. How do you win? You’ve got to start.

Ben Franklin said it this way, “To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions.” The bookends of success are starting and finishing. The ability to begin to be a self initiator and the ability to close, to be able to finish off. And both of them are very important. But I want to talk to you about the value of starting, and let me talk to you about how to start successfully. Start with yourself. When people say, “I want to get started, where do I start?” I always say, “Before you ask where do you start, it’s who do you start. You start yourself first.”

When I was in Asia, one of the places I stopped to speak at was in Bombay, India. And for many, many years, that’s where Gandhi, the great leader, revolutionary leader, reformer of India, lived. And so when I arrived there that day, I had a little time because I didn’t speak until the next day. So I went over to his house. I wanted to go over, so I found somebody to take me to his place. And with his house where he lived, I think he lived in this house for 17 years, was a museum that was attached. I probably spent, I don’t know, two and a half, three hours in that museum. It was a wonderful, wonderful visit.

One of the things that impressed me and I wrote… Did a lot of writing. I just wrote a lot of stuff down of things that he had done and said. But one of the things I wrote down I think really fits here when I talk about start with yourself, here’s a quote of Gandhi. See, it’s in your notes. “Be the change you want to see in the world.” That’s a great start with yourself statement. It’s like when I did a conference and a young kid stood up and he had been listening to me all day and he said, “I love this leadership stuff.” And he said, “I’ve decided I want to be a leader. And then he looked at me and said, “John, here’s the question. Who do I start leading?” And what he is really saying is, “I’m young. I don’t have a company yet. I don’t have an organization yet. Who do I start leading?” And I looked at him and said, “That’s an easy answer.” I said, “Start with yourself. Start with yourself.” And I’m telling everyone of you here. If you wouldn’t follow yourself, why should anybody else?

There are three reasons why you and I should start with ourselves. Number one, if I start with myself, this gives me experience, confidence, integrity, and influence. When I start with myself, I begin to have experiences. I begin to build confidence. I begin to live a life of integrity, and it begins to give me some influence. And often I explain to people that leaders are either like travel agents or tour guides. If you’re like a travel agent, as a leader, what do you do? You send people to places you’ve never been yourself. Ain’t that true? You give them brochures and bon voyage them and you send them off and you’ve never been there. You’re going to tell them what a wonderful time they’re going to have. And they’ve never stopped and look and said, “How do you know I’m going to have a wonderful time? You’ve never been there.”

There are too many leaders who are like travel agents. They send people where they’ve never been before. Too few of leaders are like tour guides. They said, “Now I’m going to take you where I’ve been. I’m going to take you to places I know I’ve lived here all of my life.” In other words, they’ve experienced it. So start with yourself because this will give you or give me experience, confidence, integrity, and influence.

Number two, the second reason why I should start with myself, and I love this one, I am with myself more than anyone else. The reason I want to start with myself is I’m with me more than anyone else. Hey, what a great mentoring opportunity, huh? What a great mentoring opportunity. Because people, you know what they always say about the reason they don’t have a mentor is “I don’t have enough time with the person.” The great news is, you have a lot of time with yourself. What a tremendous mentoring opportunity to start learning and growing yourself. DL Moody said, “If I had to kick the person most responsible for my problems, I couldn’t sit down for a week.” And I think we all relate that. In your notes, “Before I can wake up and find myself famous, I must first wake up.” Okay, start with yourself because you’re with yourself more than anyone else.

And thirdly, start with yourself to give something to others. Starting with yourself is nothing selfish. It’s the fact that if you want to give to others, you have to start with yourself. What do they tell you when you get on a plane and you’re taxiing out to the runway and the flight attendants are taking you through all the safety precautions? Well, they tell you about when the oxygen, if you get in some bad situation and the oxygen comes down. First thing they tell you, especially if you have a child, they say put the oxygen mask around yourself first, then take care of your child or take care of that dependent person with you, or maybe that elderly person beside you. Now, when they tell you to put the oxygen around yourself first, they’re not saying, “Hey, let the rest of the plane people die. You know what I mean? You want to make sure you live.” What they’re really saying is, you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first.

When you start with yourself, what you’re really doing, you’re starting with yourself not because you’re trying to be selfish or not because you’re not wanting to be… You just know one thing. If you aren’t well, you can’t pass on to others. If you haven’t learned, you can’t pass on to others. You can’t export what you don’t have. So there’s a valid reason why you want to start with yourself. And the valid reason is, so that you can give to others. That’s why you start with yourself, not because you’re putting yourself before others, but truly you’re thinking of others when you start with yourself.

When I was at West Point, I was sitting down with Leo Brooks, who’s the general Commandant at West Point, and we were having one of these 45 minute private interviews in his office, and I asked him, “Of all the things that you teach here at West Point, what’s the thing that you emphasize the most?” And he said without any hesitation, “Lead by example. Lead by example. We tell all of our young cadets that there are platoons, there are people who are going to follow their example. Lead by example.”

I was reading the other day a team of firefighters who said to their leaders, “You go, and then we go. We work as a team. We back each other. We leave no one behind.” Wow, that’s so huge. It’s the whole leading by example that is just so important. I wish I would’ve had this when I was a young leader. I didn’t get this. When I graduated from college, they taught me some very good things. They taught me how to communicate, they taught me those things. Now, I guess I should have known that. Hello, I’m a college graduate. I guess I should have figured that out. But in my first year, and I really struggled in this area because I would communicate things that I yet had not either learned or was not convinced of, or not certain of. And I could tell I was ineffective and I wasn’t what I could be and I wasn’t what I should be. I just didn’t understand. I didn’t understand the incarnating of communication that has to be backed up by a life that is real, that is to be lived.

So I guess when I say when we talk about starting which is the first step to success, you just have to start at home. You start with yourself, and then it branches out to others.

Personal Growth Day:

Hey, podcast listeners, how would you like to be equipped with the tools to continue your personal growth and refine your strengths and weaknesses, all while being surrounded by other growth-minded leaders like yourself? You may have heard of Personal Growth Day. For our second time ever, Maxwell Leadership is hosting this one day event on March 13th in Orlando, Florida. This event is designed to dig deeper into who you are and how you tick so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you’re unable to attend Personal Growth Day in person, we also offer virtual access to the event. If you would like to participate in a one-of-a-kind experience and stand shoulder to shoulder with growing leaders who will sharpen your skills and equip you to create powerful positive impact, go to maxwellleadership.com/personalgrowthday to learn more or get your ticket. We’ll see you there.

Mark Cole:

Hey, welcome back. Traci, I’m so glad you’re in studio with me today first of all.

Traci Morrow:

Yay, I’m back.

Mark Cole:

Wasn’t it true we did way too many of these with you way over in California, Colorado? And now getting you here-

Traci Morrow:

We’re spoils.

Mark Cole:

… in the studio. I’m so glad that you’re here. I also am glad, because many of you know this, but John and I had a vision to create a growth environment, kind of like what caused John to grow. He says the biggest decision he’s made was the decision to grow himself. And he’s 76 now. He’s continuing to grow himself. By the way, he just had a birthday two days ago. Happy birthday, John.

Traci Morrow:

Happy birthday, John.

Mark Cole:

And so he said personal growth, the decision to grow himself was the biggest thing.

Traci Morrow:

Right.

Mark Cole:

So John and I created this growth environment. We call it Maxwell Leadership Growth. This is a online platform. It’s an app, an Android or an Apple app that you can download called Maxwell Leadership Growth App. And Traci, you’re one of our guides. In fact, you’re the guide over relationships. Good to see you today. Look, if you’re watching my YouTube, we just shook hands. That’s a very relationship thing to do right there.

Traci Morrow:

I’d be hugging you if there wasn’t this table between us.

Mark Cole:

I know, if it weren’t the table. That’s the truth. But anyway, there was a very, very real reason that John and I felt like you were the right person to be a guide in that tribe. By the way, we want you to be a part of that. Download that.

Traci Morrow:

It’s great.

Mark Cole:

You’ll hear weekly lessons and things from Traci all throughout that online platform, that growth app at Maxwell Leadership. But here’s the reason I said all that. One, we want you to download, come join us. But two, I said that because isn’t it true that kind of the first leg, if you will, of relationship, is your relationship with yourself?

Traci Morrow:

Absolutely.

Mark Cole:

And so I just thought, man, before we even get into some of your questions for me, of how we’re applying this lesson here at Maxwell Leadership, talk to us just a little bit about that importance of relationship with self.

Traci Morrow:

Well, I think that is really one of the first places that I applied John’s lessons in my life. I was 21, 22 years old when I first heard about John Maxwell. I thought I was going to learn all these fancy-schmancy business things, whatever that was going to look like. And really what it was was about working on myself. One of the things John is famous for saying is, “If it doesn’t work at home, don’t export it.” And so what that said to me as a 21, 22 year old was, work on myself and work on the relationships closest to me before I took it outside of my home. And so I love how he closed out by saying, “Growing yourself.” Which we really talk about that being the first relationship pillar, the relationship that we have with ourselves.

It’s not selfish to grow yourself. In fact, it makes me a better person in every single relationship beyond myself, which is everyone else. It makes me better in every relationship I’m in when I grow myself and make myself the next best version of myself each and every day. So I love this lesson starting with yourself. And when he kicked it off with that, I’d love to dive in. Are you ready to dive in?

Mark Cole:

Yeah, I am. But let me say this. Because again, I assume everybody in the world is an app person, an Android or an Apple app, but I do want to give you the website in case you want to go download the platform online. It’s growth.maxwellleadership.com. Growth.maxwellleadership.com. Yeah, let’s dig in, Traci. I can’t wait.

Traci Morrow:

Yeah. Okay. But please do come and grow with us because if you grew up in a home where you didn’t have that growth environment, that’s what we are here for. Or if you did grow and you want to next level yourself, it starts with growing ourselves. So that’s what we’re talking about today.

John kicks it off with a quote from Henry Ford where he says, “Before anything else, getting ready is the secret of success.” So he kind of tips us off to the secret sauce. You’ve shared many times with us on the podcast, Mark, about your past and before you came and worked with John. So for those of us who don’t know the story, maybe you can give a little bit of that for context. But what did you do? What did getting ready look like for Mark Cole?

Mark Cole:

Yeah, I’ve always had, I’ve been very blessed with genetics to always have a drive. I feel like at five years old, I could envision this running leadership, running something, taking some people on a journey they’ve never been on before. I’ve just always had these visions many, many, many years ago. I’ve told those stories, no doubt here. But I think even though I had that high drive and that high passion and that high giftedness to take people on a journey, I think the thing I was lacking the most that I think is absolutely the most important ingredient is intentionality.

Traci Morrow:

That’s good.

Mark Cole:

I did not have intentionality around growing, and specifically, I didn’t have intentionality around growing myself. Now, I put high demands on everyone else because I drove myself to high demands. But the idea of intentionally growing came to my awareness 30 years of age. A guy that was leading me here at John Maxwell’s Company said, “What’s your growth plan?” and I went, “I don’t have one. I don’t know what those are. Do you have a template?” They did have a template, and that became my growth plan. And by the way, the template all was derived around things that would impact me from the inside out.

Traci Morrow:

I love that. I love that. So for those of us who, if you had that in childhood, that feeling where maybe you were considered a bossy kid.

Mark Cole:

Yeah. Yeah, that was me. Redheaded boss kid.

Traci Morrow:

Me too. Me too. I wasn’t redheaded, but I was considered bossy.

Mark Cole:

Oh, man.

Traci Morrow:

My brother says one of the things that… My younger brother, is that I would say all the time is, “Brad’s not allowed. Brad’s not allowed. Brad’s not allowed. Did I say Brad and Traci weren’t allowed? No. Brad’s not allowed.”

Mark Cole:

Well, what’s funny is this, you were the older sibling there.

Traci Morrow:

That’s right.

Mark Cole:

I was the baby of five. And I would say, “Steve, Phillip, Joy, Danny are not allowed. Just me.”

Traci Morrow:

You were allowed.

Mark Cole:

I’ve got the coat of many colors, so it’s my turn here.

Traci Morrow:

That’s right. That’s exactly right. But if you’re getting to that place in your life where you’re near 30, or maybe you’re older than 30 and somebody has never asked you, “Do you have a growth plan?” That’s what we’re talking about today. That’s what the app is about. That’s what the platform is about online, so that you can come and join us and grow with us.

Mark Cole:

Yeah, for sure.

Traci Morrow:

Okay. Then he talks about the bookends of success are starting and finishing. And then he talks about the value of starting with yourself. And he hits on something that is so often quoted, and that’s the Gandhi quote, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I have quoted that so many times. So maybe you’re listening to this podcast and it’s the first time you’ve ever heard it, or maybe you’re hearing it fresh for the very first time today with new ears and a new perspective for where you’re at in your life. So I’m curious, Mark, how you would recommend for somebody who is hearing that for the first time or with fresh ears again, how you would recommend for somebody to start to begin to be the change, those first steps?

Mark Cole:

Well, there’s a lot of tools. I’m going to talk about tools and answering of your question.

Traci Morrow:

Good, love tools.

Mark Cole:

Because yeah, there’s a lot of application. We spend every day of our life thinking of applications to get people to start rolling themselves, right?

Traci Morrow:

That’s right, yeah.

Mark Cole:

So I’m going to give you two or three. We’ve already given you one, the Maxwell Growth app. I think that when you are starting a growth mindset, I think you really have to make a determination that, “It is going to start with me. And I’m not going to worry about external recognition, external promotion, external celebration until it locks in inside of me.”

Traci Morrow:

That’s good.

Mark Cole:

In fact, I can remember Traci on several years. You all know if you’ve been a part of the podcast for very long, you know that the end of the year, the beginning of the next year, is just magical to me. It truly gives me a chance to focus on some things. Well, I can remember several years starting a new year off with great anticipation, great excitement. It was going to be the best year yet. I would share with people around me my plan for the year. And much like some of you watching on YouTube, some of you listening right now, maybe some of you are still in the gym, and it is the end of February, and you’re still in the gym with your New Years Resolution.

Traci Morrow:

Way to go. We’re proud of you. I am so proud of you.

Mark Cole:

Traci is a fan of you. So maybe you’re listening on the treadmill right now on the elliptical, maybe that’s what you’re doing. But you’ve had those people that are wet blankets. They’re got a fire extinguisher with your name on it, okay? You get a little fire, they’re going to put it out for you.

I know for me, there’s been some years to where I came out of the gates ready to go and to wear a sideways word or a less than affirming word put my fire out. Then there’s those years I get the same wet blankets. I get the same fire hoses, the people that want to extinguish my fire, and I just look at them and say, “Watch me. Watch me.” Why? Because I settled it within that that’s where I’m going.

Traci Morrow:

That’s right.

Mark Cole:

And the years where I settled it within, that an external affirmation or an external accolade was nothing, good or bad, because I knew where I was going are the years. So my first thing to you, and I’m going to again give you a couple of tools with the question Traci that you asked me, but I want you to start within and resolve it. Are you settled that you are going to make a difference this year for yourself? Have you started it there?

Now, one of the things that I am passionate about is the book Developing the Leader Within You 2.0. I’m holding it up right now for those of you on YouTube watching. This book was the first Maxwell book I read, and it absolutely changed my life. I would start with something, start with the book. Maybe the app is not your thing even though it’s free. Maybe it’s not your thing. Go to the app, pick up this book. We’ll put the book in the show notes. Take 15% off if you use the keyword PODCAST. We’ll do all the stuff for you, but you’re going to need to go pick up the book and decide.

One other thing is we’re going to have a Growth Day. Traci and I are going to be a part of it, March the 13th.

Traci Morrow:

Yay!

Mark Cole:

We’re two weeks away. You can go right now and virtually sign up. Look at it. It’s Maxwell Growth Day, and you can go and be a part of that. One final thing that I want to say on this, Traci, is when we want to start something, it is mind over matter. I’ll never forget the time I’ve shared with this the story before of my first marathon. I did not finish that marathon because of the training. I didn’t finish that marathon because I was healthy. I finished that marathon because I settled it in my mind no matter what, I’m going to finish the marathon. And I did with walking pneumonia and coughing up blood. Not highly recommended.

Traci Morrow:

Yikes.

Mark Cole:

But you know what?

Traci Morrow:

That’s not highly recommended.

Mark Cole:

That’s not highly recommended. However, what I did was I fought the battle inside my mind first and much of my life followed along, including my ailing body, because I made the decision right here that I’m going to do it.

Traci Morrow:

That’s right. That’s right. Oh, that’s so good. Okay. So the first three points are… I’m not saying though, that’s so good of it that you did your marathon with walking pneumonia. Did you end up okay?

Mark Cole:

Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.

Traci Morrow:

I mean, let’s make sure that they know you’re okay. But those three points again, it really starts with settling it within yourself. Those agreements that we make with ourselves are so important, I think, because until we settle it with ourselves, anything can whip us one way or the other. So that and the book, and then our Personal Growth Day. It’s investing in yourself. You have to get to a point where you’re willing to invest in yourself. Sometimes that takes time, money, resources, but it’s important.

Mark Cole:

It is.

Traci Morrow:

Okay. And then he goes to three points where he asks questions of himself, “Why should I start with myself?” And so let’s just jump right into those. The first one, he talks about the difference between a travel agent versus a tour guide. And so I would love for you to be a tour guide for us a little bit today. He says, “When we start with ourselves, it gives us experience and confidence and integrity and influence.” So based on your history and your life and you starting and working on yourself, where did you start in those areas in the ways of experience and confidence, integrity and influence in developing those? And what did you learn along the way that you can share with somebody who is just taking those first few steps?

Mark Cole:

Well, again, I really will tell you that I have found in life that making the decision inside yourself before you start a business, before you start a new job, before you stand on stage and give a public address, a public speech for the first time, before you run a marathon, before you do anything, you’ve got to settle in your mind, “Is it going to be or is it not?” Are there a set of circumstances that will stop you from the journey that you’re setting out to accomplish? It’s called counting the cost, right?

Traci Morrow:

Right.

Mark Cole:

I have spent much of my life before I start something. Counting the cost. My daughter right now, she’s really working hard to get some qualifications for a particular school she wants to get into. She’s a junior in high school. She is so eaten up with the sense of, “I’ve got to do it. I’ve got to do it.” that’s she’s missing a very important part of her life.

Traci Morrow:

I love that, yeah.

Mark Cole:

And so I looked at her and I said, “Macy, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” And she said, “I won’t get into this particular school.” And I went, “That’s the worst thing?” And she said, “Yeah.” I said, “You’re going to be perfect. It doesn’t matter.” And she said, “But it does matter to me.” I said, “Good. Keep it that way. But don’t let yourself not count the cost of what could happen. Because if you do all the work that you’re doing right now, and you miss it by a point or you miss it by a person, are you going to feel like everything you’ve done up to this point was a waste?”

Traci Morrow:

Was a waste.

Mark Cole:

And she said, “Yes.” I said, “Then we got to recalculate. Because everything you’re doing right now is not a waste. And if you do not get in, you still will be a better student, a better person because of all the work that you’re putting in.” It’s the same thing here, Traci, for me. When John was talking today, I felt like the times where I started a business initiative, not just started growing myself. We’ve talked a lot about growth. We started out mine and your comments about growth.

But imagine starting a business for the first time. Well, you don’t have experience, you don’t have confidence, you don’t have integrity, and you don’t have influence. You haven’t never done it before. I went to school, many of you know this, I went to a little small Christian college called Jackson College of Ministries. They did not teach business. I had been running John’s businesses for 10 years as a vice president or something else, somebody above me that had more education, more experience, more confidence, more, more, more, more, more than me. I’ll never forget the first time he looked at me and said, “Hey, I think I want you to be the CEO” and I went, “I’ve never ran a business before.” He said, “What have you been doing the last 10 years?” I said, “Running parts of a business.” He said, “So running parts of a business is not running a business?” Well, I guess it is, isn’t it?

Immediately by changing my perspective, I begin to understand. Let me give you a couple of other things.

Traci Morrow:

I love this.

Mark Cole:

Why is it, Traci, you’ve started businesses, why is it that people don’t start? Why is it that you and I… And that’s a rhetorical question because I’ve got three reasons I think, and then I want to hear what you say.

Traci Morrow:

Good.

Mark Cole:

I believe the reason that people don’t start improving their life, I believe the reason that people don’t start a new business, I believe the reason people won’t start betting on themselves to join a growth app or to do something like that, I believe it stems from what I think is three dominant excuses. One is the fear of failure.

Traci Morrow:

I agree.

Mark Cole:

Fear of embarrassment, fear of being revealed as a poser. It’s fear. It’s fear. That’s why when John and I, and he’s working on it right now, but several years ago, about a year ago, I was giving an interview to somebody that was writing a book on the dirty F word. I loved it. It’s the failure. Failure.

Traci Morrow:

I bet that cut you off guard.

Mark Cole:

Yes, it did catch you off guard. And Amy, I love you out there. She’s a podcast listener. I loved it immediately, the fear of failure, the dirty F word. We think failure is the dirty F word when really it’s not.

Traci Morrow:

Right. No.

Mark Cole:

In fact, it’s what caused John giving him a conversation that Amy and I had in interviewing that book to where John came up with a concept, getting a return on your failure. If we would start something knowing that the worst thing we could do is to get an invaluable lesson for the next thing we were going to start, we would remove the fear of failure that stops us from starting.

Traci Morrow:

That’s so true. Mm-hmm.

Mark Cole:

What’s the second thing that stops us from starting? I believe it is being uncomfortable. Nobody wants to be uncomfortable, and starting something is always uncomfortable. So we don’t start because of fear. We don’t start because we don’t want to be uncomfortable.

Traci Morrow:

Right.

Mark Cole:

And yet, any person that’s done anything worth repeating or worth creating a legacy around had to start and be uncomfortable along the way. I think the third reason that people don’t start is because of loneliness. Now, let’s talk about what we’re talking about today. So whether you want to start a business, whether you want to start a new initiative, whether you want to start something new in your life, or whether you just want to start making yourself better, look at fear and fear of failure as going to give you a return, look at being uncomfortable as your friend and look at loneliness as a chance to get in touch with yourself. Because I have found in my loneliness, the only person in my loneliness is me. And I have found I’m a pretty good friend to myself. I have found friendship with myself. I have found acceptance with myself. When everybody else, all the noise, all the other relationships moved out of the way because I was starting something new, I began to fall in love with myself.

I’m a pretty good guy to myself. I’m a pretty good friend to myself, but everybody else’s distractions causes me to lose my weight in that identity that I really need to be in touch with. And so those things I believe we need to eliminate and lean into so that we can start more effectively.

Traci Morrow:

If you are driving or you are working out and you didn’t have a chance to take notes, I hope that you’ll print out these. That’s not in the notes, but I hope you will take notes and onto the notes that we’ve given to you because those right there are powerful. And before I move to the next one, I also want to highlight what you said, what your advice was to Macy your daughter, highlighting number one, the fear of failure, looking like a opposer, what other people are going to think of you. I like what you did there because you had her look at what her worst case scenario was. I don’t know if you want to dive into that a little bit more or just expand on it just a little bit, but I think some people would be nervous to hear you say that, “Hey, what if you don’t make it, Macy? And then what? Then what are you going to do? Do you have a plan B? Do you have a second tier?”

Some people set up this high ideal of what they’re shooting for, and if they miss it, there’s no second plan, then everything is lost. And so what was your advice to Macy? What is your advice to our podcast listeners to, is there a second tier of, you know that old saying, “If I reshoot for the moon, at least I land among the stars”?

Mark Cole:

Yeah.

Traci Morrow:

What is that? If I miss the moon, if I miss my ideal, if Macy misses her school, what is your advice to her if she were to miss it, her worst case scenario?

Mark Cole:

Well, again, let me say this. I’m a law of navigation guy. I’ve said that before this podcast. John says, of all the leaders he’s had work alongside him, that I exercise the law of navigation. A leader must not chart the course. I exercise that better than anyone that’s ever worked alongside him. So I’m a chart the course kind of guy, right? That’s my bent.

Traci Morrow:

Right.

Mark Cole:

Therefore, it does not intimidate me or disappoint me to consider the cost and the difficulties and the setbacks along the way. In fact, it energizes me so that when I hit them, I’m already thinking of a workaround because I’ve already calculated. I told Macy, I said, “Macy,” I said, “if you were to set a goal of 60, you wanted to get $60 at the end of a day after a long hard day of work, and you got 65, would you be excited?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “What if the next day you set a goal for 100 and you got $85? Would you be excited?” She went, “No.” And I’m, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, you got 65 one day, you got 85 the next day. The next day with more, you would not be excited because the goal is more important? Or the progress is more important?” She said, “Well, that’s the progress?” I said, “Well, you didn’t just answer it that way. You answered as if the goal is the most important thing rather than progress.”

Traci Morrow:

That’s so good. That is so good.

Mark Cole:

And I said, “Now, Macy, if you spend two years trying to get into…” It’s Emory University by the way. If anybody’s out there at Emory and listen to the podcast, help me get Macy in.

Traci Morrow:

Remember Macy Cole. Macy Cole is her name.

Mark Cole:

Sorry. This plug has been brought to you by… I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding. She really wants to get into it.

Traci Morrow:

We got you, Macy.

Mark Cole:

[inaudible 00:32:50] because of where she wants to go. Sorry for putting that out there. I said, “If you do all this work that’s required because this is a highly respectable institution and you do all this work and you don’t make it, is that worse than not doing the work at all and getting into some secondary school?” And she went, “No.” I said, “So then therefore, the goal that is pressing you to work harder because a lesser goal would make you work less is still of the admirable goal because now you’re going to be able to hit something greater than you would.”

Traci Morrow:

I know that somebody needed to hear that because I think a lot of people shoot for the 100. And if they hit 85, they are disappointed in themselves and they feel like a failure. I know people need to hear that. It’s been me before because I get caught up with the goal.

So we’ve have a couple more. I feel like my next question I was going to ask, how do you mentor yourself? And I feel like you just sort of shared that with us, which I love so much. And then I think he closes on what he learned at West Point, which was lead by example and starting at home, starting with yourself. And so as we close off, starting with yourself and you lead by example, what are some traits as we close out, just some traits of that you develop in yourself and in your home with your children, with those closest to you that you try to lead by example for in?

Mark Cole:

Yeah. You’ve heard a lot through my stories that I’ve been very personal. I don’t always try to do that, but I felt like it felt today.

Traci Morrow:

I love it, yeah.

Mark Cole:

I think I’ve hit several of these, Traci. And one is never settle. Be satisfied that you didn’t settle more than you are satisfied because you hit an achievable goal that anybody could have hit because it was so low. So never settle.

I think the second thing that we really try to work hard, which is really illustrated in this, if it’s meant to be, it’s up to me. That’s more than a colloquialism or a saying in our home. If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me. So when one of our kids come in and doesn’t like something, I say, “Well, what could you do to change that?”

Traci Morrow:

I like it.

Mark Cole:

So it’s a focus on self. And then I think the other, Traci, that is written all throughout this lesson is, focus on your own growth. Focus on your own sense of responsibility that you can get better. It goes to this standout statement, Traci. Man, I’ve just really enjoyed today.

Traci Morrow:

Me too.

Mark Cole:

But it goes to this standout statement, to be bigger on the inside than you are on the outside. When we began a podcast or when we’re working together like this, we always try to kind of hone it down to what is the thing that we wish people would pick up on? Today is start. Start with yourself. Begin with yourself. Don’t let fear, don’t let being uncomfortable, don’t let your apprehension on being lonely, because when you focus on yourself, that’s going to have a little bit of that, but go and get a return on starting something for the first time.

I want to end today with a listener comment. I love this from Ricky. Ricky, you listened to the value of questions. Loved that episode. In fact, we’ll put it in the show notes. For those of you that have not heard that yet, go click on that. Ricky said, “This was such a great episode.” He said, “I’m a young leader, and I’ve been asking myself some of these questions that John asked and have gotten a greater understand of myself,” Ricky, that’s what we’re talking about today, “and others throughout the process. I think this really is a game changer in terms of the insight and wisdom that you receive when you take time to ask yourself questions. As well as…” And Ricky, in my opinion, this is the kicker, “As well as do the necessary preparation when asking others those good questions.”

The preparation, Ricky, is that, hey, you’re our podcast listeners, podcast viewers, keep your comments coming. If you do rate podcasts, give us a five or tell us what we need to do to get to be a five in your world and pass along. Share with someone this podcast that you feel like would help them. Maybe they have a junior in high school like I do, and maybe they need some help. But hey, we love to join you every week on this podcast. We would love to invite you into the Growth platform, the Growth Tribe that we have created. And until next week, find something powerful, positive to do in the world, because everyone deserves to be led well.